i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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