quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
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