Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
