Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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