see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
