i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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