Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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