I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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