My entire life is one complicated drinking game
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
