We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
