I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
