just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
