Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
