I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
