so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Success! We fucked roommates!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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