On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
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You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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