I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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