3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate