I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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