On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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