these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.