Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.