I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
