My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
