the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
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This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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