how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
