as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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