Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
