can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
