doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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