I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
