Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
