i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
