They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
