And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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