My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
