You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
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i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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