We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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