The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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