I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
