Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
