dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
