I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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