somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
