i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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