at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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