u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
3 2 1 whiskey
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
