mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
