There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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