the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
