I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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