i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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