just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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