I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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